Witchy tells you another story...

"Teenagers are a very strange breed: they have so many energies and strengths as to turn the world upside down with just one pull if they liked, but they prefer to waste their stamina in pointless activities like arguing all day long about who has the right to take the most prestigious seats in the classroom (usually the ones at the bottom of the row), who is the best (and who is the worst…) at playing cards during Maths classes and who is wearing the trendiest pair of jeans. There may be some variance in the topics but the general level of discussions is not very high… and, if I’m not careful and watchful, conversations may even end very badly…

However, I had to do something if I didn’t want to be taken by people in white uniforms, driven in a white van with a green cross and brought to a very clean aseptic building where every door is accurately locked up… so I decided to tell the kids a metaphorical fairy tale": 

The flexible dogsters 

Once upon a time there was a very old king who, before dying, called to his bed the general of his army and said to him: “Beware, my good fellow! When I’m gone, finished, extinguished… well, dead in a word, my cruel brother will become king and he will try to damage you in every way because he is an envious evil man… just the opposite of myself, as you know!”

The general: “I know, I know; you’ve been a fantastic king and even if you had been a bad one I wouldn’t tell you now that you’re dying…” He said these last words very low just when the king expired.

The general organized the funeral while these thought kept turning inside his mind: “Perhaps the old king exaggerated a bit…  what can his brother do to me? I’ve always been a good and loyal general… besides I’ve lost my loved wife a month ago and am still grieving! I have a one-year-old daughter to raise and certainly I’m not in search of troubles…”

At the end of the funeral the new king called all the courtesans and chief soldiers to his newly acquired throne and made his first speech:

“Ladies and gentlemen! Let me introduce myself to everybody: I’m the new king which means that from now on I will command and you will obey! No privilege is admitted! I also want to introduce you to my new guards: let them enter!”

The crowd was astonished: among the marble columns of the royal room a troop of  twelve terrible-looking and very well trained pitbulls marched in rows of two and, one by one, sat at both the sides of the throne as if in a carefully studied ballet.

The king, relishing the effect that the event had made on the courtesans: “Ahem, I inform you that if any of you dare touch me my guardians will assail you and make a rich meal of your flesh. And they have an incredible memory for smells: they don’t forget a person’s scent for years…”

It was just on that disgraceful moment that the general’s daughter, unaware of people’s dismay, and curious as all the children of that age,  escaping from her babysitter’s surveillance, crawled up to the king’s feet and touched his silk robe. Immediately the dogs rushed to the rescue of their master who, actually, was in no danger at all… but the baby’s father was faster: he took his daughter and ran away from the room as fast as a lightening, followed by the enraged dogs and leaving all the presents in a dumbfounded aghast flabbergasted silence.

The general took the soft bundle containing no more than an innocent baby and fled to the mountains after crossing a river where his traces would be dispersed so, at least for some days, the dogs would not know where they were. He arrived at a hut where a witch (Farmer’s comment: “… and some people say you are useless!”) lived and said to her:

“Please, my witchy! I know that your heart is good deep inside and you will love this baby and use your magic arts to save her from the terrible royal dogs!”

The witch: “Leave the baby to me and flee far from here! The dogsters will hunt you everywhere and I can’t hide a big handsome man like you for long… even if I’d like to!”

This is how it happened that a witch took care of a little child and even got to love her in her strange unusual way. First of all she sprayed on her a horrible perfume which she hoped would deceive  the dogs; then she built an armour with many spears which might be useful in case the perfume had not been enough. Then she studied the recipe of a magic ointment which might heal any cut and stop any bleeding. So the child was safe for the moment; the years passed quickly and, while the witch was becoming old, the child turned into a beautiful young woman who was much admired by the young men but…  only from far away!! Because as they got near her they felt sick for her horrible smell and also risked to be pierced by the spears in her armour!

One day the witch felt she was dying and so she called the girl to her bed.

The witch: “My dear girl, before dying I will explain why I forced you to wear this armour and spray this disgusting scent… She explained … From now on you will have to take care of yourself as I will not be able anymore to protect you…” And she died.

The girl went on with her life but everyday she felt more and more restless. “How boring this mountain is… Men only look at you from far away and nobody even tries to approach me… how can homosexuality be so widespread nowadays?”

So everyday she went near the river and one day she decided to cross it. As soon as she got to the opposite end of the bridge the troop of dogsters, which seemed to have been waiting for her, assailed her with all the rage that had been storing and growing during those years. But the girl’s mind was sharp: she quickly realized the pitbulls had not been deceived by the scent but she still had her armour on… in fact the dogs hurt themselves on the spears as soon as they touched her and one of them even fell on the ground bleeding. The girl looked at the dog and couldn’t help feeling guilty and sorry. So, while the other dogs stood around watching their comrade in puzzlement, she walked among them, got near the hurt dog, crouched by the animal and spread the magic ointment on the cut. The dog soon stopped howling and looked into the woman’s eyes with a sweet expression of gratefulness which was totally unknown to him.


The whole event triggered a strange conversation among the dogsters.

Black devil (the chaptain): “Well, why are you staring? Let’s jump on the girl and tear her to pieces!”

Grey hound (the sergeant): “Are you crazy? Did you see what she did to our friend?”

Dire straits (a soldier): “I agree with you. We can’t go on behaving like asses and doing the same foolish things over and over again. It seems we are only able to fight and frighten people to death. This is a case when we must behave flexibly and adapt to the situation…”

Black devil: “I order you to kill the wom…”

Dire straits: “You don’t order me anything! And you know what? I’ve never forgotten what you did with doctor Pavlov! You made us behave so foolishly that people still call us “the Pavlov’s dogs”! Unbelievable: human beings gave us chicken legs while ringing a bell and you ordered us to salivate each time a bell rang… not when a nice mutton or pig leg showed up! No, only when a bell rang… they are still quoting us in books as the most stupid dogs in the world!”

Grey hound: “You’re right, Dire Straits! No more quarrels and heavy drinking and discos! I want to change life, find a pretty wife and start a Farm in the Yorkshire”.

The other dogs: “I want to become a doctor!” “I’d rather be a University student” “Hey, is there anybody else, besides me, who wants to become an ELT teacher?”

When they had chosen their future career they remembered that their “agent of change” had been that sweet lovely girl, so they made a circle around her, then lied on their backs and she had to caress and tickle them all just the way they had always desired since when they were puppies…


Happy ending:

The evil king was turned down from the throne by infuriated citizens who called the general back from his exile and crowned him solemnly as a king; his daughter became the king’s first damsel and took part to all the dancing parties he organized in the castle wearing elegant Valentino’s evening dresses which showed (almost) all her beauties but, before getting dressed (?) she sprayed a lot of Angel (Thierry Mugler’s perfume and Witch Hazel’s favourite one) on herself and all the men collapsed as they smelt the celestial perfume.

I nearly forgot… do you know what happened to her armour? She gave it to the former king who had to sleep on its spears at night and so he thought he’d better become a fakir if he wanted to get used to it and not suffer from insomnia any more!

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